Friday, February 15, 2008

All I Have to do is Dream

That's right. Got the Everly Brother's playing on my Windows Media Player. Sewing my sister's quilt on my new Bernina. Looking at a beautiful Valentines card from my daughter. Just talked to hubby. All is right in my world.

You know, maybe what my crazy workman's doctor said is right that day in his office when he told me I would have to go 100% disabled. He had tried the same thing a year earlier and I refused. Told him I would die if I couldn't work. So I kept it up for another year and just made myself worse. I loved my nursing and I was good at it. My patient's liked me and in the area I was living in we got a lot of repeats. Young diabetics having problems learning how to adjust the meds and diets to keep the sugar in control. Older folks with all the problem's that come with age. Then the surgical patients and so on.

So after another year of trying and having several episodes that put me on the floor and then unable to barely walk for over a week, he said " that's enough ". You will end up in a wheelchair before it is over and then you will be no good to anyone. So that left me with no choice but to stop.

To get back to the doc. He told me it might take 5 year's or more , but that I would be ok and happy again. Well he was wrong about the time frame. It has been more like over 8 years, but I am better. Got diagnosed with severe depression and post traumatic stress syndrome because of all the stress and not being able to work. Tried medication's and didn't like the side effects of wanting to sleep all the time and not have any get up and go . Other things factored in to make my life a mess.

It is better now. I love my little Bernina and I think that is the best medicine I could take. I love to create and to have the right tools to do the job is the best.

I am in a better place and hope to stay there. Climbing up out of that dark hole took a lot of hard work and effort. I am over the edge right now and hope I don't ever fall back in. It is a kind of hell all in it's own.

It is not over, some day's are good and some not so good. I hurt a lot and can't do what I want all the time . My energy level is not what it used to be, but then it may be that at 60 I am not suposed to have what I had at 20 or 40. I still want it.

So now I am going to listen to my music and quilt. That is a good thing.

Take care Stay safe and warm

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